Thoughts in the margin

All of us, sooner or later come to the point in our lives when something extraordinary happens and we realize all the relationships we have been in and the people we allowed to walk into our lives and indulge themselves with abundance of our heart-felt feelings and child-like purity were not what we thought they were. They were all wrong.. At least most of them. But this is only the beginning of what I call, a personality switch, that hits most of us as we enter the world of post 20s.. Is this the end or the beginning of our real values unfolding before our eyes as we grow old? Or rather, oldER.. This is where I have a problem with an age-old philosophy of ageing - that tends to claim we are supposed to get slower, blinder and less ambitious. My counter-argument to that is almost the same as another age-old approach which says practice makes perfect. I wonder what happens when alongside our tendency to hone our skills and capabilities to earn, collect, increase and destroy - we also hone our ability to build, improve and constantly revive our inborn wish for ... feeling good and wanting to do more and more of it to others. Everyday. Really. Every single day.

...birov ko'rmaydi.

Yillar bag’riga otilgan hissiyotlar hazon fasli qahridan bekingan kapalak misol, yana osudalik yeli esishini kutib yashayveradi.. Bu holatning ilohiy jihati – tabiiylikdan o’ta mustasnoligida. Oyna ortidagi qahraton izg’irin va jazirama issiqni qanchalik uzoq kuzatmang, bu kuzatuv sizga ularning tig’iga bardosh bo’la oladigan na chidam va na subut beradi. Men aytayotgan hislarning ilohiyligi esa nigohlar ortidagi sukunatdan kuch olib, vaqt o’tgani sari uqubat, og’riq va umidsizlik yomg’iri – achchiq ko’z yoshlar panohidan  tobora uzoqlashib borishida.. Ruhiy savlatimiz shunday yuksalib boradiki, endi ularsiz – ko’z yoshlarisiz ham bemalol oh chekaveramiz, yig’layveramiz.. Faqat buni boshqa birov ko’rmaydi.

Lahzada umr

Lahza betakror. Hayotimizning deyarli asosiy qismini o’z hukmiga osonlikcha bo’ysundirgan har qanday vaqt oralig’ini bu his bilan izohlash menimcha – jinoyat. 

Umrimiz keluvchi va ketuvchi tuyg’ular, kelguvchi va abadiy qoluvchi taassurotlar bilan o’tib borar ekan, uning fojeali darajadagi kichik zarrasinigini lahzaga tenglashtirish mumkin. Bu vaqt mas, bu tiriklik belgisi bo’lgan iztirob va yoki sog’inch ham emas. Bu shunchaki favqulotda shuurimizda jonlanadigan va uni astoydil anglab yetgunimizga qadar yana sarob misol g’oyib bo’ladigan oniy borliq. 

Qanchadan qancha yuraklarni, millionlab umrlarni qattiq dovul zulmiga uchragan qum zarralari kabi har tomon kun payakun qilishga qodir vaqt uning oldida bosh egadi. Uning oldida o’ta ojiz. U shunchalik qudratliki, uning oldida yuraklar ham, zulmat bag’ridan kelgan dard va nurli sayyora elchisi – sog’inch ham sukut saqlaydi. Hamma gap – u paydo bo’lgan oniy nafasda uni imkon qadar ilg’ab qolishda. Ulgurish kerak. Umrning choragi faqat u haqdagi o’y-hayollar bilan o’tdi-ketdi. Muhimi, bu yog’iga – uning borligiga hech bo’lmasa iymon keltirish uchun idrok va yorug’lik hissini anglab ulgursam, bo’lgani. 

Dogs, hands, and humans

If your dog bites your hand while feeding, dont punish it as it will come back for more food again. It can then only look at your hands, but cant look up your eyes. This is how you know it regrets the bite. Just like us humans)

Unga quloq soling... yurakka

Uzoq vaqt qo’limga qalam ola olmadim. Hozir ham yozsammi, yozmasammi qabilida oppoq sahifaga tikilib o’tiribman. Kechagina o’qigan bir yozuvchimning yon daftaridagi bir kichik eslatmaga ko’zim tushib ketdi. Unda katta harflar bilan “Tafakkurdagi tiniqlikka intil” deb yoz\ib qo’yilgan ekan. Tafakkurdagi tiniqlik haqida falsafa so’qishdan avval hammasidan eng oddiyi – tiniqlik haqida o’ylab ketdim.

Unchalik oson emas ekan u haqda o’ylash. Nima o’zi u? Hamma haqida hukm chiqarish illatidan qochib, o’zimning o’ta jo’n bo’lsa ham, shaxsiy tasavvurimga murojaat qilaman. Tiniqlik bu – moviy osmon, ezgu hislar, bezavol tabiat, siniqlik belgisi tushib ulgurmagan tabassum, ona mehri, og’ir damingda suyanganing do’stingning yelkasi, qo’rqib ketganda qo’lingdan mahkam ushlab, “Men yoningdaman” deya qulog’ingga shivirlab aytilgan xitob..   Xullas, adoqsiz davom ettirish mumkin bu yog’ini.

Sizning tasavvuringizda mana shu tiniqlik yana yuzlab boshqa timsollarda shakllanishi mumkin. Muhimi – endi asosiy vazifa. O’sha o’zimiz o’ylab, chizib, bo’yab yoki bo’yab ulgurmaganimiz – tiniqlik, yoki u deb o’ylaganimiz, va u deb nomlaganimizni tafakkurga ko’chirish. Hamma gap ana shunda, menimcha. Tasavvurda buning hammasi oson. Lekin, huddi tiniqlikni ko’chirmoqchi bo’lganimiz o’sha tafakkurning o’zida ham tiniqlikka qarama qarshi bo’lgan boshqa bir kuch yastanib yotadi. Uni yengib o’tish, uni o’z joyidan siljitib, tiniqlikka yo’l ochish – juda mushkul.. Biroq adolat tarozusini teng qo’yish kerak. Siz unga ham quloq solib ko’rsangiz, uning ham dardi bor. Bu –  aldangan damlarimiz, armonga aylanib qolgan ozrular, yolg’onchi marazlar, sotqin do’stlar, ko’kraging bilan himoya qilganingda orqangdan pichoq sanchgan masxaraboz yaqinlar, kungaboqar birodarlar… bularning hammasi misli bir yara, va eng muhimi, gohida hattoki tiniqlikdan ham katta og’irlikka ega. Xushyor bo’lmasak, tortib ketadi..

Kafka bunga yechim taklif etadi. Uning aytishicha, miyada va tafakkurda qanchalik dahshat hukmron bo’lmasin, uning bizga real  bir havf solishi uchun yurakdan miyaga quyiladigan qon va tiriklik bongi ham unga hizmat qilishi kerak. Demak, kalit bizning qo’limizda. Yurakni har doim ham miyaga tobe’ qilib qo’ymasak, bo’lgani. Yurak chaqirig’iga tez-tez quloq solib turish kerak ekan.. Achinarlisi, tafakkurga tomon intilayotgan bechora tiniqlikning yolg’iz posboni ham shu – yurak. Qaniydi uni tinglash va anglash baxti hammaga birdek nasib etsa...