Thought on a pillow

There are times when the simple thing we want to hear or be told is the assurance that you are loved not despite your vulnerabilities, but because of all your imperfections. When the time comes to look into the reality we've created, it's the beauty and perfection entirely made up of little things like insecurities, longing for assurances and our most basic human need to be loved. 

Remembering words of a friend far far away now.. You were so right when you said this and I think of you everyday when I pass by your window facing the road and the small cafe right under your flat that has heard so many precious things we spoke of on the brink of unconditionality.. Unconditionality.. such a rarity to dream of these days.

Ertaning taraddudi..

Yugurganing sari, qayerga degan savoldan imkon qadar uzoqlarga ketib qolsang. Gohida tafakkuringni ozgina bo'lsada toza havo bilan "shamollatib" turish lozim ekan. Bu juda uzoq vaqt esimdan chiqib qolibdi, endi bilsam.

O'pkalasa, o'pkalar o'sha insonlar.. Hafa bo'lsalar ham mayli.. Nega endi buguning endigina yaraqlay boshlaganida, so'lg'in o'tmishingni eslatadiganlar ko'payadi?!

Bugundan sevinib, ertaning orzusida yashaganga nima yetsin? Orzular o'lmasin..

Rostdanmi?:)

Har qanday holatda, chuqur va zamirida aniq maqsdalar yotgan harakat bugunga kelib shunchaki shakli ommalashib, shamoyili borgan sari yo'qolib borayotgandek go'yo. Nimadir qilish uchun maqsad emas, balki qilindimi - qilindi qabilida ish tutish juda ommalashdi. Aslida bu bilan kimnidir aldayotgan bo'lsak, bu alaoqibat faqat o'zimiz ekani esa esdan chiqib qolmayotganmikin..

Thoughts in the margin

All of us, sooner or later come to the point in our lives when something extraordinary happens and we realize all the relationships we have been in and the people we allowed to walk into our lives and indulge themselves with abundance of our heart-felt feelings and child-like purity were not what we thought they were. They were all wrong.. At least most of them. But this is only the beginning of what I call, a personality switch, that hits most of us as we enter the world of post 20s.. Is this the end or the beginning of our real values unfolding before our eyes as we grow old? Or rather, oldER.. This is where I have a problem with an age-old philosophy of ageing - that tends to claim we are supposed to get slower, blinder and less ambitious. My counter-argument to that is almost the same as another age-old approach which says practice makes perfect. I wonder what happens when alongside our tendency to hone our skills and capabilities to earn, collect, increase and destroy - we also hone our ability to build, improve and constantly revive our inborn wish for ... feeling good and wanting to do more and more of it to others. Everyday. Really. Every single day.

...birov ko'rmaydi.

Yillar bag’riga otilgan hissiyotlar hazon fasli qahridan bekingan kapalak misol, yana osudalik yeli esishini kutib yashayveradi.. Bu holatning ilohiy jihati – tabiiylikdan o’ta mustasnoligida. Oyna ortidagi qahraton izg’irin va jazirama issiqni qanchalik uzoq kuzatmang, bu kuzatuv sizga ularning tig’iga bardosh bo’la oladigan na chidam va na subut beradi. Men aytayotgan hislarning ilohiyligi esa nigohlar ortidagi sukunatdan kuch olib, vaqt o’tgani sari uqubat, og’riq va umidsizlik yomg’iri – achchiq ko’z yoshlar panohidan  tobora uzoqlashib borishida.. Ruhiy savlatimiz shunday yuksalib boradiki, endi ularsiz – ko’z yoshlarisiz ham bemalol oh chekaveramiz, yig’layveramiz.. Faqat buni boshqa birov ko’rmaydi.