Have trouble with Anger? Don't

A friend and I picked up a big fight couple of years ago over a simple matter of who is who and what is what. We departed each other, haven't talked ever since. The matter has lost its relation to the time, and to us. What it has caused is a temporary feeling of re-empowerment and self-righteousness.

Here we are now, she still has my pictures that she hasn't sent me yet (probably keeping them still or has deleted them), and I still hold to the feeling of missing her, but can't let go of the anger our fight has left in me.

She is a gentle girl, very nice personality with bits and pieces of selfishness that sometimes transcends her relationship with others. I am not being judgemental, the same perhaps is true about myself. But the thing is, I have forgiven her and even forgotten the case, but don't seem to get round the idea of her still keeping her anger and whatever she believes is true about what actually happened. Here I am. Angry. Again.

Crossroads 2. Or on how I have come to realize the need to "edit" my life

Many would probably argue that decisions we make are the overall outcome of our sole inclinations. You wake up, have a cup of coffee and are struck by an idea and then you go and turn that idea into reality. Oops, only your own reality. Well, however painful it is to acknowledge, this is how it is. At least, most of the time.

We can not always withstand the opposition. And ironically, most of it comes from within. A bit tough to realize, but this is not the only case. When I was just a living and practising journalist (this is how I like to think) most of my decisions stemmed from my inner drive to excel and be different. The first English language show on the National TV is an example. A very humble one, if you like:) I colleague of mine came up to me the other day and told me a very interesting story. The story about how I invited her over to my studio and interviewed her for my show. Looked strange to me because I remember literally every single person I had in the show and this one seemed quite out of the blue. And she said she was quite happy to show me the recorded programme with her in the studio.

And when she finally brought the DVD with the record, I felt uneasy. Really. The whole story seemed uneasy, and the way it made me feel. No no, it wasn't all about me being unable to remember her or whatever it was that I asked her. It was the difference and a clear discrepancy between me THEN and THE me, NOW:) A very sloppy look on the background with a very poor design of the studio and the accent and the manner and the posture and my weird confidence! Oh Gosh, it all made me blush:) Was there nobody to tell me how silly I looked and how silly the whole idea of doing an English show in the country where it wasn't the major language of communication? Or could anybody not dare tell me to brush my hair and have it cut shorter? The suit and the tie looked simply ridiculous! Ugh, and lots more!

I stood silent there for a moment and suddenly realised something I have long forgotten. And to me, it is the feeling that I never seemed to appreciate. All I did was to enjoy and do what I enjoyed doing most. I was sure I was doing the thing I did best. Well, clearly it was the best thing I could ever do all my life, but not the best way it could ever be done. I realised it upon my arrival in the UK and the first three auditions I screwed... And the marvellous Christabel King who told me that my nationality and the fact that I was not an English lad would always be the problem with my performance and success in doing the thing I love doing most. Another "confidence boost"! I completely have grown to believe it only did me a world of good in being objective in assessing my capabilities and come to terms with who I am and what I can do to either embrace this truth and/or change it altogether.

Well now. Back to the truth I neglected. Decisions. Certainly the whole experience with the show and all other things I did as a journalist was approved and never criticised. And the only reason thanks to which it all became a reality was .... freedom. The Freedom. I was free to do what I thought best and all. The decisions I made my sole responsibility. Dilnoza Mamadaliyeva who finally made it to the relatively big stage on and off the screen, and Gulsanem Allambergenova, who quit it first for education abroad, then for marriage. Good for her, it is always good to be able to choose and prioritise, isn't it? Something I always lacked. They were the two starkly contrasting outcomes of that responsibility. And surprisingly, Dilnoza is a mild example of how ambitious I can sometimes be and Gulsanem, the perfect example of how lazy and irregular I find myself at times.

I also had an opportunity to work with a large organization in the past.A very large one, almost international. They have branches almost in half of the developed world. And I had two bosses. Well, two excellent personalities. Excellent in all ways. Diplomacy, devilish reputation, perfect relationships - all in one (both of them). Looking at them and closely observing, I seem to have understood excellence in personality comes with limitations. You are great to people and your co-workers, when you feel deep inside you are not you. You are someone that somebody else would like you to be. And this is exactly how it is. You are someone. Not yourself. And that someone is visible in every single thing you do. To be honest, you lack the simplest thing. Freedom. Freedom to be you. When I think about it, I can see it would be very uneasy and difficult to have to depend on someone or be lead by someone who admires you inside, but can not approve or support you because it wouldn't match with the type of personality they are "programmed" to be. This is where decisions acquire a painfully complicated upturn. You can but are not allowed to do things you are best at doing, either for your personal growth or that of the organization you work for. You have a bunch of procedures, moods, approaches and a very very very complex relationships to go through for the simplest little thing you want to do to make yourself a happy life...

I am not feeling nostalgic of old times, since I have grown considerably ever since. I think all that I have learnt now (and I have learnt a LOT) boils down to the most banal fact.. that I am not as free as I used to be. Having wasted a lifetime of freedom, we come to appreciate small bits and pieces of it, scattered all around, and squeezed between minutes, hours and occasional days without work. I see the world and myself changing in the background of crazy schedule and sleepless nights. What I also see .. is the world of opportunities.. in the breaks of tiny bits of free time and sour restrictions.. Hope I am not too late to have come to this.

O'ylarim...

Men Sardor Rahimxonning ashaddiy muxlisi emasman. Ming afsus. Har xolda, ko'p narsalarga beetiborroq bo'larmidim.. Uning "Hayot" deb nomlangan bir qo'shig'i meni o'yga toldirdi. Ohang juda yengil va quloqqa yoqimli, eshitimli...

Qo'shiq matni hayot mazmuni, undagi do'stlik, muhabbat, ishonch va sadoqat kabi yuksak tuyg'ular Sardorning yoshiga mos bo'lmagan, maslahatomuz ohangda tarannum etiladi... Muhimi bu emas... Meni o'ylantirgan narsa qo'shiq matnidagi boshqa jihat.

Bevafo yorlar, sevgi qadrini bilmaganlar, do'stlik rishtalarini oyoqosti qilganlar ketidan minglab, millionlab she'rlar, kitoblar, asarlar, kuylar va qo'shiqlar yaraladi..

Sevib, sevilmaganimiz uchun bizni seva olmagan yurakdan hafa bo'lamiz, biz qattiq e'zozlab, ko'klarga ko'targan insonlardan munosib javob ololmagach, yanada kuyunamiz... qarzini qaytarishdan qochib, telefon raqamlarini bir zumda o'zgartirib yuborgan "qadrdon" oshnalar, ishlaring yurishmaganda, "Balodan nari" qabilida yashagan kishilar... Hmm, bu ketma ketlikni beadad davom ettirish mumkin... To'g'rimi? Eng qiziqarlisi, kimga ahamiyati bor bu insonlarning... va ulardan qolgan og'riqli xotiralarning...?

Inson qalbi mutlaq baxtni ko'tara olmasligi haqidagi aqidaga juda ko'p amal qilib yashadim... Iztirobsiz hayotdan qochdim, o'zimni ozgina daxldor deb bilgan ijod olamiga intilish va uni faqat o'zimga xos tarzda talqin etish (gohida qanchalik bema'ni tuyulmasin)va o'zim haqiqiy deb bilgan qadriyatlar evaziga qurilgan poydevorga sodiq qolishni muhim deb bildim... Munosabatalrimdagi ahamiyatli va ahamiyatsiz odamlar... yoxud hayotimga ahamiyatli bo'lib kirib, o'z ahamiyatini yo'qotib, yalang'och chiqib ketgan yuraklardan hafa bo'lardim... Va uzoq vaqt kek saqlab yurardim... Juda uzoq...

Bugunning falsafasi biroz o'zgargandek go'yo, men adashayotgan bo'lishim mumkin... Bizga berilgan og'riq yuki uchun norozilik hissi bor vujudimizni qamrab olganda, gina-qudrat yordamga shoshadi, do'stlarimizdan o'pkalab, o'zimizdan qahramon yasab, bo'lgan voqeani yana birovlarga uzundan uzoq hikoyalar qilib beramiz...

Aslida oqayotgan suv qanchalik ko'p toshga urilsa, shunchalik toza bo'ladi, deyishgan ekan. Bizga otilgan har bir toshdan qolgan og'riq - o'ziga bas kela oladigan choraga zamin yaratarkan. Bu chora esa, yangi kuch manbaiga aylanadi.. Ana o'shandan keyin, har bir sinovli damdan orttirayotganimiz sabr, matonat va iroda astoydil mustahkamlanib boraveradi.

Endi o'zingiz o'ylang, biz hozirgacha yuragimizda ko'tarib yurgan ginaning og'ir yukidan qanchalik voz kechmas ekanmiz, uning o'rniga kelishi lozim bo'lgan xayrli fazilatlar shunchalik kechikaverarkan.

Shu o'rinda, sevimli qahramonim Askanio aytgan mana bu gapni eslayman:"- Do'stim, qo'ying endi, Yurakniyam ezg'ilab yubordingizku?! Uni qiynamang, u ham o'sishga, sizning bechora va xunukkina siyratingizdan yaxshiroq va teranroq, hech bo'lmaganda nisbatan baxtliroq inson suratini chizishga haqli..."